I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
