OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The Olympian is in my bed
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