So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
