Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
