you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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