There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
