Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
