Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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