last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
