9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
