at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
