My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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