dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
