One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
