she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
