he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
