And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
