someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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