next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
