[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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