so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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