Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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