I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
