the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
