just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
