Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
