she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
