i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
there was a trapeze. enough said
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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