Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
