your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
