I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize