Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
