How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I AM VODKA MAN
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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