My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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