It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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