Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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