When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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