cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
