Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
