I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
