And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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