I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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