There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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