i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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