C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
