I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
