She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize