I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I came so hard my ears popped.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
