When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
