"it" just moved
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
