so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
