my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I want to be your penis for a week.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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