Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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