I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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