Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
