He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is classic penis vs brain.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize