nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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