Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
