I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
