you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Can I color on your dick again?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
