i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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