i need an iv and a liver transplant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
