In the future we'll all be gay
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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