Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
